phililen3

Just for laughs

The Zen master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says “make me one with everything.” The vendor fixes him a hotdog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts it in the cashbox and closes it. “Where is my change?” the Zen master asks. The vendor says, “Change must come from within”

(.^_^.)”

A tourist was being led through the jungles of Brazil. “is it true,” he asks, “that a crocodile won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?” “That depends,” says the guide, “on how fast you carry the flashlight.” Then, “look guide, here are some jaguar tracks!” “Good,” says the guide, “you see where they are going and I will see where they come from.”

(.^_^.)”

Policeman pulls over a man for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over, he says, “sir couldn’t notice that your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” the man gets indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice that your eyes are a little glazed over. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

(.^_^.)”

The only thing that calms you down is your trusty Megadeth CD.

(.^_^.)”

You know you have road rage when you have stopped wearing pants to make it easier to moon tailgaters and have exchanged your Uzi with laser sighting for a more “serious” weapon. You have ploughed more pedestrians than Wilt Chamberlain and you would flash your lights to that slow dumbass Jacob in front of you if only your buggy had lights.

(.^_^.)”

What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

(.^_^.)”

He can’t help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth – Ann Richards about George Bush

(.^_^.)”

Can vegetarians eat vegetable crackers?

(.^_^.)”

In an argument, the woman always has the last word. Anything the man says after taht is the beginning of a new argument.

(.^_^.)”

The secret to success in knowing who to blame for your failures

(.^_^.)”

A boy was walking down the street. As he passed a building with a fence, he heard a group of people chanting “thirteen”, “thirteen” “thirteen”, over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but he couldn’t. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to it. He just managed to spy a group of people sitting in deckchairs, chanting before a finger came and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the people started chanting “fourteen” fourteen” “fourteen”...

(.^_^.)”

I have never killed a man, but ii have read many obituaries with great pleasure – Clarence Darrow

(.^_^.)”

I did not attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it – Mark Twain

(.^_^.)”

Two mwn got out of their cars after they collided. The one says to the other, “here, have a nip to calm your nerves.” He hands the other man a flask.

“why thank you,” says the other man and took a long pull from the container. “here, you have one too,” he said, handing back the whiskey.

“no thanks,” said the first man. “I rather wait till after the cops have been here.”

(.^_^.)”

Please note when driving that your turn signals are just clues to your next move in road battles, so never use them.

(.^_^.)”

If we are God’s children, then wouldn’t Hell be child abuse?